I have a higher standard of cleanliness than my future husband. He lets dirty dishes pile up in the sink. He doesn’t pick up his socks. Our apartment looks like a cyclone hit it most of the time. Do you think this is going to be a problem in the future?
Dear Elizabeth,
These types of lifestyle differences tend to grate on a daily basis. Frequent conflict about these issues can erode the good parts of a relationship.
Once someone reaches adulthood, it’s unlikely that they’re going to change their personal habits. On the other hand, if cleanliness and orderliness is important to you, hopefully your partner will respond to your feelings even if they don’t share your preferences.
The two of you might consider making a deal. Maybe he will agree not to complain about certain of your behaviors that he’s not wild about in exchange for your tolerance regarding this behavior in him. Conversely, you could both agree to make behavioral accommodations to satisfy the other – for example; “I’ll change this if you change that.”
A relationship is always the sum of its parts. If there’s enough good in the relationship and if your partner offers you enough emotionally, these smaller matters may be something you choose to live with and try to manage.
I’ve repeatedly read information that says money challenges are one of the reasons why some marriages fail. I need to talk with my fiancé about “merging and managing” our finances and I don’t know where to begin. Help!
Dear Anne,
It would be wise for you and your fiancé to begin your discussion about merging your finances by sharing your personal financial situation with one another. This discussion needs to be specific so each of you will have a clear picture of the other’s income, expenses and indebtedness. If you are planning to live together before you’re married or if you are living together now, you might create a joint budget that incorporates each of your expenses, the household/shared expenses and any repayment plans you have regarding your individual debts.
In my experience, indebtedness is often a source of concern and conflict among couples who are planning to marry. If one or both of you have debt, you need to discuss how this came to be. This may clue you in to one another’s attitudes, values and money management behavior. If you hear anything that concerns you – talk about it. You need to find out whether you are on the same page when it comes to your attitudes and priorities about money.
Most couples enjoy establishing joint financial goals. You may decide to save for a home, put money aside for vacation travel or your children’s education, or plan for early retirement. It’s also wise to reach agreement on a debt repayment plan as this will impact both of you.
Each person needs to have a certain amount of money that they are free to spend as they please. Unnecessary friction can occur if either person feels they have to account to the other for every penny they spend. In other words, you need to balance independence with accountability.The most important thing to remember is that your financial decision-making and your money management behavior, impacts your partner.
Money is a hot button for many couples. It is also loaded with emotional meaning. Stay tuned to this website for future articles about money.
My daughter, who is twenty one, just moved back home after graduating from college. She has been dating her college boyfriend for the past 3 years. I just learned he’s looking for a job and plans to move here so they can be together.
He’s her first and only boyfriend. I’m afraid she might marry him. I’ve told her I think she should date around more before she makes a lifelong commitment but she’s not interested. Am I wrong to worry?
Dear Sue,
I understand your concern. Your recommendation is legitimate and it’s probably based on the advantages you feel you gained from your own dating experiences. Many young people who are leaving home for the first time, develop romantic attachments that help them separate from their families and launch themselves into the world of adulthood. Sometimes this is the primary function of these attachments. Unfortunately, young adults aren’t aware of this. These relationships often lead to marriages which may not survive after the task of separation has been accomplished. In other words, these may be dependant attachments rather than attachments based on two fully mature individuals making autonomous decisions based on deep self-knowledge. On the other hand, these “first” relationships may serve the function of helping young adults develop better relationship skills and greater self-awareness.
While it makes logical sense that dating more would lead to increased self-awareness, I am not aware of any research that says those who date more have a better track record of marital success than those who don’t. In addition, there are relationships in which young married people mature together over time.
As hard as it may be – parents of adult children are often in the position of being concerned bystanders. Those who are too heavy handed when it comes to their children’s choice of mate, often sacrifice their relationship with their child. The best you can do is to voice your concerns and hope for the best outcome.
If you have a question about marriage or divorce that you would like me to answer, just send me an email. Be sure to include your first name and the city and state you live in. I may write an article or column devoted to your question!
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