I filed for divorce after being married for over ten years. I considered it for a long time; even talked to my husband about it. Finally one morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t live in the relationship anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce.
It took a year to get everything finalized. I was really happy when it was over with. My ex-husband and I have stayed friends and talk periodically. He seems to have gotten on with his life – dating, moving, etc. I can’t seem to do any of that. Instead I feel depressed. Why can’t I start moving on?
Dear Barbara,
Often the feelings of depression associated with watching an ex move on with their life has to do with the realization that the divorce is final. Even if you wanted the divorce, the finality of it may be difficult to deal with. It’s not uncommon to feel discarded when your partner moves on. It’s easy to feel that their new life diminishes the one the two of you had together. This isn’t true.
For most men, their intimate partners are their primary source of emotional support. It’s not unusual for men to try to replace this support as soon as possible. Women on the other hand, often have a circle of female friends that they can count on during the difficult process of divorce. So – your ex may seem to be moving on more quickly than you simply because he’s having more difficulty being alone (see my article: The Rush to Remarry).
If you sincerely want to move on, you may need to finish the work of mourning your marriage. Most of us enter marriage with hopes, dreams and expectations. When a marriage comes to an end, we mourn these dreams as well as the relationship. You may need to be patient with yourself, but you may also need to be brave as you confront your feelings of sadness and loss. Completing this emotional work will help you get on with the business of your own life.
The most difficult decision I ever made was whether or not to get a divorce. My greatest concern was how it would affect my children. After thinking it through, I decided to proceed. However, the necessity to make joint decisions concerning the children didn’t stop with divorce. Fortunately, we were able to work together to make decisions based on the best interests of our children, and we made no unreasonable requests of each other.
While there are always peaks and valleys, and the outcomes are never certain, our children grew into loving, responsible adults. They are greatly loved, and they know that we are there for them.
Dear Jeanne,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope it will be reassuring to parents who are contemplating divorce.
One of the most important points you make is that you and your ex were able to make joint decisions regarding your children. This is an example of good post-divorce adjustment. The fact that you and your ex placed your children’s welfare at the center of your decision-making, also indicates a good degree of emotional maturity on both your parts.
I’m sure one of the reasons your children turned out as well as they did was due to the fact that the two of you did a good job of jointly executing your roles as parents. Also, through your behavior I’m sure you communicated your constancy and willingness to be there for them. This is fundamental to helping children feel secure through the sometimes tumultuous experience of divorce. Congratulations on doing such a good job!
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